


101 Things Major Skippy Is Not Allowed To Do As A State Alchemist

by Dorksidefiker



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-23
Updated: 2012-12-23
Packaged: 2017-11-22 02:45:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/604945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dorksidefiker/pseuds/Dorksidefiker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are some things man just should not do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	101 Things Major Skippy Is Not Allowed To Do As A State Alchemist

**Author's Note:**

> A long ass time ago, I shamelessly ripped off the infamous Skippy List and a bunch of much better writers than me over on FF.net. At the encouragement of the few who remember this monstrosity, I'm re posting it here.
> 
> I am so, so sorry.

1: When giving a report, I am to say “Major Skippy reporting in, sir.” Not “You can’t prove a thing!”

2: Not allowed to teach soldiers to say rude things in Ishbalan under the guise of teaching them helpful phrases.

3: The cafeteria mystery meat is not 'cats', and I should not tell Alphonse this.

4: I am not to transmute my commanding officer’s desk into manure.

5: I am not to tell the Elric brothers there is a Philosopher’s Stone in Cracker Jack boxes.

6: Just because Fullmetal does it doesn’t mean I can.

7: Just because Fullmetal does it doesn’t mean I should.

8: It is wrong to encourage Major Hughes.

9: I am not to transmute Havoc’s cigarettes into hallucinogenic substances.

10: I am not to attempt Human Transmutation in an effort to give myself a longer wang.

11: Not to refer to Lt. Hawkeye as ‘Mom’.

12: Not to refer to Col. Mustang as ‘Dad’.

13: Not allowed to stick magnets to Alphonse.

14: Not allowed to compose mission reports using Alphonse and magnetic letters.

15: Not allowed to compose odes to ‘Fullmetal the Cute’ using Alphonse and magnetic letters.

16: Not allowed near Alphonse at all, under any circumstances.

17: Not to transmute all the towels in the barracks so that they fall apart on contact with water.

18: Not to take Col. Mustang’s gloves to use them for party tricks.

19: Not allowed to transmute Major Amrstrong’s mirror.

20: I am not a homunculus. It is wrong to tell people this.

21: Not allowed to use Alphonse’s head as a prop when quoting Shakespeare.

22: Not allowed to take compromising pictures of my commanding officers.

23: Not allowed to create compromising pictures of my commanding officers.

24: Not allowed to take picture of Fullmetal in the shower, no matter how much I am paid to do so.

25: Scar is not a kitten, and I should not encourage Alphonse to think of him as such.

26: Envy is not my friend, and I should not invite him back for tea.

27: Alphonse and Fullmetal cannot combine together to form an invincible fighting robot.

28: Not allowed to transmute a blow up doll to look like Lt. Hawkeye.

29: Not allowed to transmute a blow up doll to look like Fullmetal.

30: Not allowed to transmute anything in the bathroom.

31: I do not know black magic.

32: I am not allowed to challenge people’s belief in black magic by asking for some hair.

33: I am not allowed to cut Fullmetal’s hair, no matter how much I am paid.

34: I am not allowed to cut Col. Mustang’s hair, no matter how much I am paid.

35: Edward Elric’s title is Fullmetal Alchemist, not ‘Munchkin Alchemist’.

36: Col. Mustang’s title is Flame Alchemist, not ‘Flaming Alchemist’.

37: Not allowed to refer to Col. Mustang as ‘handsome devil’, no matter how much he likes it.

38: Not allowed to replace Lt. Hawkeye's guns with water pistols, no matter how much Col. Mustang pays me.

39: Not allowed to suggest that Alphonse act as Santa at the HQ Christmas party, with Fullmetal as an Elf.

40: The top of my chain of command is Furhur Bradley, not the homunculi.

41: I am not to take orders from the homunculi.

42: Not to write Yaoi fiction starring the Colonel and Fullmetal.

43: Not to give Alphonse trained attack kittens.

44: Not allowed to lick Alphonse in winter.

45: Not allowed to lick Alphonse, period.

46: Not allowed to lick anybody.

47: Hogwarts if not a real place, and I should not tell Fullmetal that there is a Philosopher’s Stone there.

48: Alphonse is not full of yummy candy, and I should not tell children that he is.

49: The Philosopher’s Stone is not made if kittens. It is wrong to tell Alphonse this.

50: Not to wear a miniskirt without shaving my legs.

51: Not to wear a miniskirt. Ever.

52: Not allowed to transmute Lt. Hawkeye’s pants into a miniskirt, no matter how much Col. Mustang pays me.

53: Not allowed to dump water on Col. Mustang, no matter how much Fullmetal pays me.

54: Not allowed to do my Hughes impression using compromising pictures of my superiors.

55: Not allowed to play Pulp Fiction with Lt. Hawkeye’s pistols.

56: Not allowed to add pictures of Col. Mustang to the War Criminals posters.

57: Not allowed to train Black Hayate to ‘sic Mustang.’

58: It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Major Skippy.

59: There is no Anti-Mime campaign in Ishbala.

60: I am not the psychological warfare mascot.

61: Alphonse is not the psychological warfare mascot.

62: Hughes is not the psychological warfare mascot.

63: Must not use Alchemy to ‘squish’ things.

64: I cannot trade Col. Mustang to the Ishbalans.

65: Teaching Ishbalan children to taunt soldiers is not nice.

66: We do not charge into battle naked.

67: My name is not a killing word.

68: I am not Emperor of anything.

69: I may not taunt Havoc, in the throws of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.

70: “To conquer the world with an army of chimera.” Is a bad long-term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.

71: Not allowed to trade military equipment for magic beans.

72: Not allowed out of my office when the Furhur is in town.

73: The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”

74: Crucifixes do not ward off Lt. Hawkeye.

75: I am not authorized to change national policy in Ishbala.

76: Not allowed to call Fullmetal ‘Short’.

77: Not allowed to bring a transvestite to any company function.

78: Must not go to company functions in drag.

79: Must not go to any company functions ‘Skyclad’.

80: Not allowed to sing ‘High Speed Dirt’ whenever an Alchemist tries to fly.

81: Not allowed to set up a cult using Alchemy to fake miracles.

82: Major Armstrong’s sparkles are not deadly weapons. It is wrong to tell new recruits this.

83: I cannot arrest children for being rude.

84: I do not get ‘that time of the month’. But Lt. Hawkeye does.

85: Not allowed to defect to Ishbala during training missions.

86: Do not dare Fullmetal to eat bugs. He always does.

87: Must get a haircut, even if it tampers with my Samson-like powers. Even if Fullmetal is allowed to keep his long.

88: Not allowed to wake Fullmetal by calling him a ‘bean’.

89: I must not flaunt my deviancies in front of my chain of command.

90: If the thought of something makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

91: I am not allowed to create flying pink badgers.

92: I am not allowed to create bouncing ferrets.

93: I will no longer perform lap dances in uniform.

94: Taking the uniform off during the lap dance still counts.

95: Bodychecking General officers is a bad idea.

96: There is no such thing as a were-virgin.

97: May not challenge Fullmetal to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn.” He always wins, and there’s always a big mess.

98: Must not make s’mores on guard duty.

99: Not allowed to dance while on duty.

100: Not allowed to use military resources to start a porn studio.

101: Even if it is especially patriotic porn.


End file.
